Cutting Off Dead Weight

"Letting go really refers to choosing to become transparent to the strong pull of our own likes and dislikes, and of the unawareness that draws us to cling to them. To be transparent requires that we allow fears and insecurities to play themselves out in the field of full awareness." 

--- Jon Kabat-Zinn

The term letting go used to cause me to cringe. I had a few friends who would claim they finally learned to surrender, to let go. It bothered me, I believe, because I didn't truly understand the concept. In fact, it was the antithesis of what I was taught to do as a competitive athlete, where you battle, fight, and persevere. 

After a few difficult weeks and lots of soul-searching I think I finally understand what it means to let go. Events in my life placed me in a position where I reacted to my emotions almost unconsciously. I was, in a sense, on autopilot; I refused to tune into what I really wanted or needed out of the situation. I expressed desires and goals incongruous with core aspects of my being. I acted, momentarily, from places of lapsed awareness.    

But today, I took positive steps to proactively end a situation that had become toxic. As I spoke to a dear friend of mine I explained how I couldn't figure out if this was a time where I needed to further struggle through or simply allow myself to release it. She sensed, with her Buddhist gut, the latter was likely the case. I agreed. I went on to explain, however, how the steps I took today caused me to feel lighter, but sadly more numb than anything else. In her wisdom she offered, "I don't know that it's a sudden feeling of lightness as much as it's a slow awareness. Like when you lose weight and you realize your thighs don't rub together anymore." She continued, "So maybe it's like carrying a bag of sand and you cut a hole in it rather than put it down. As you move on, it'll get lighter and lighter." 

Though I feel like I completely dropped the bag of sand on the ground today whether it remains there is largely up to me. In truth, the sand began to seep out of the bag months ago. Attempts to plug up the hole weren't made as I stood on solid ground. I'm hopeful that in short time letting go of the situation will cause most, if not all, of this to pass. If any remains, then perhaps I'll embrace my familiar skills of courage, perseverance, and true grit to totally cleanse myself. I have a hunch it won't come to that.